Count It ALL As Loss

"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing VALUE of KNOWING Christ Jesus my Lord." Philippians 3:7-8

The surpassing value of knowing Christ! Yet what is this value?

I took a minute this week to list many of the things I have lost in this last year and a half. The list included things like....

• my husband, love of my life, and best friend
• the primary bread winner of the family
• my home
• most of my earthly possesions
• the ability to stay home with my babies
• my dreams, since I was 12 years old, of church planting and being on the mission field
• my identity, who I was, my self worth

As I looked over this list I realized that all of these things were very valuable things to my heart - to my life. Sometimes it takes loosing something to really see its value. In so many ways I would give anything in the world to have some of these things on this list back.

And yet as I read Philippians 3:7-8 I can't help but see something that I never really saw before. Tonight it all became so real. For Christ we suffer the loss of ALL things and we count them all as rubbish. These things that I held in such value - they are nothing compared to the surpassing value of knowing Jesus. Sometimes it takes us loosing it all, in order to gain more of Jesus. Now that I have gone through the loss of many valuable things in my life, I think my heart can truly say that knowing Christ and gaining an even deeper and more intimate relationship with him, is worth far more than everything that I have lost. That is the value of knowing Him. It exceeds anything we might hold dear here on this earth.

All of us go through loss in one way or another. I challenge you to do what I did and make a list of the things you have really lost. I'm sure that for you, as they were for me, the things on your list will be very valuable things. As you look at your list - let it sink into your heart that all that you have lost doesn't even compare to the surpassing value of knowing Jesus.

I praise God for my loss, because it is through my loss, that I have gained more of Chirst!

A Contented Heart Is An Even Sea In The Midst Of All The Storms

Peace - tranquility, contentment, a heart that can be still before its savior.

Joy - a state of being, an inward delight found in resting in the arms of Jesus.

Trust - Reliance, hope, having a confident expectation of who God is and what He can do.

God has been opening my eyes to see that my peace, my joy, and my trust are all connected to one action of my heart - contentment. All too often I let my mind and heart dwell on the past, on what my life was, what I had, and how badly I want it back, or else I dwell on the future and how quickly can I change how things are now. There isn't any peace or joy when I dwell on those things and I quickly loose trust because I take my eyes off of Jesus and onto my circumstances. Yet when I make the conscious effort to embrace today for what it is - I find that my day, my thoughts, my life are full to overflowing with peace and joy.

As I am typing this it sounds so simple - so elementary - but I have never experienced life the way I do now. To be perfectly honest with you, the kids and I are probably in the midst of one of the toughest seasons right now. We are lonelier than we have ever been up to this point, financially things are very difficult, and when I look at my future I don't see the end of this dark, dark tunnel. And yet with learning to embrace every single day, I can honestly say that I truly smile at life. I am content with where we are and what we are doing. I have an incredible amount of peace and trust that God is completely in control of my life. I make the choice every morning - when I get up before the sun to get ready for work, get the kids all up, dressed, fed and out the door by 6:45 - to say, "God, today, I am a single mom of these four beautiful kids. Give me the strength I need today God to mother these kids and everything else I have to do. God, I trust that you have me and the kids in your hands and that you will work out our future, so I choose to rest in you today. God, let me be a light for you today as I go about my tasks. I want to bring you glory with all I do." And with that simple prayer I still and quiet my mind and focus, not on the past, not on the future, but on today. I can't tell you how contended I am when I embrace today. I can't begin to explain to you the peace and joy that floods my soul. It is like finding a hidden treasure in heaven!

Amazingly enough even the kids can see the results of choosing joy and contentment. They notice when we have bad weeks and good weeks and how it is connected to the attitudes of our hearts. I often talk to them about focusing on the blessings that God is giving us today. They are beginning to see the small blessings from God for themselves and often point them out to me. Sometimes they are as simple as "Mama look, God blessed us with a close parking spot into the store, so we don't have to walk very far." =) to things like "Mama God knew that we needed Joshua in this family because he brings us all so much joy when life has been so sad." By all of us just embracing today, we are finding the sadness in our life slowly fading away.

Although the journey I have been on has been incredibly hard and often times unbearable, I don't think I would trade it for anything. To be able to learn this lesson of embracing today and learning to find peace and joy even when the storm is still raging, is truly worth having to walk through the darkest nights of my soul.

Worse Than Lonely

What could be worse than loneliness? A heart that has been left empty. Feeling lonely can be somewhat manageable, but emptiness strips your heart of everything you once found joy in. It makes your heart feel like it has been left in a barren waste land. One could describe the emotions of an empty heart by describing a metro station. During rush hours the tunnel like corridors are filled with the crush of humanity. Everything is alive with movement and activity, but think of that same corridor when it is completely empty. Void of sound and life the emptiness can almost feel eerie.

Although I have been alone for well over a year now, I feel like my heart is still so void of life. On the outside I am moving on - trying to piece back together the shattered pieces of life, but on the inside my heart is still very much like that empty metro, void of sound and life. I know that the feeling of emptiness is a result of deep emotional pain and also part of the grieving process. I only wish it didn't have to take so long for a heart to stop loving and move on.

God gives me the strength to wake up each day and tackle the obstacles before me, but so often I feel like I am a lifeless being just functioning in an unknown world. I have felt so often lately that I just can't make it through this. I have never felt so alone in all my life, and almost daily I feel like the burdens of life are crushing me. I know that without the Lord in my life I would never have made it this far but often I wonder, when will it all become easier? When will it all make sense? How long will my heart feel so incredibly empty?

Enough for every purpose

The Lord never ceases to meet me in my times of greatest need. Last night was one of these moments. For the third time in the past week I fell to my knees in a puddle of tears, after I put the kids to bed. I implored God, begging to Him earnestly, to remove this burden from me. The burden of raising these kids alone.

"God", I cried," I can't do this any longer. Please remove this cup from me."

Three times I have cried to God for this and last night he answered me. He led me to 2 Corinthians 12:8-9, which says...

"Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He said to me, 'My Grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

This was my answer. His Grace. It is all I need. It is enough and adequate for the purpose. To raise these kids on my own all I need is His grace and the understanding that it is Him working through me. I must allow myself to be weak, so that He can fill me and be all that I need for everything.

I CAN DO MOST GOOD WHEN I AM IN MY WEAKEST MOMENTS

Whatever You Are Doing Inside of Me

2010 is here and with it many emotions. The past year has been a year full of ups and downs, and although I feel like I am on the road to healing, I also feel like there is still so much for God to do inside of me. The words to this song express so much of where my heart is right now on my journey with God. I honestly don't know the title to the song but the words express it all....

"It's time for healing, time to move on, it's time to fix what's been broken too long

time to make right what's been made wrong, it's time to find my way to where I belong.

There's a wave that's crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like caos but somehow there's peace.

And it's time to surrender to what I can't see.

And I'm giving in to something happening.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, reevaluate who I am really am. Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills.

So show me what it is you want from me. I give everything. I surrender.

Whatever your doing inside of me. It feels like caos but I believe...

Your up to something bigger than me.

Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like caos but now I can see....

This is something bigger than me. Larger than life. Something heavenly.

What a beautiful way to put what my heart is feeling now. I feel a peace that whatever He is doing inside of me is exactly what needs to be done. It is bigger than me. It is something heavenly. For a greater purpose than I may ever know.

Joshua David - My sweet little boy

Finally on the 17th of February, my baby was born. It was a moment I had been waiting for. A moment full of both sorrow and joy. The birth of Joshua was much harder than I had ever expected. The emotions of having him alone were overwhelming to me and there were moments that I didn't know if I had the physical or mental strength to make it to the end. But somehow God gave me what I needed. It still wasn't easy but seldom in this life is. However, even through our toughest moments - He gets us through. He gives us the strength and the grace we need to walk each and every road we come to. 

Joshua was a glorious surprise! I expected a bald little 5 pound girl. What God gave me was the most precious little boy with a head full of hair and an amazing 7 lbs. 14 oz. When God creates a surprise He holds nothing back! I feel that God wanted to bless me with the joy of this surprise so he kept Joshua hidden and let me have the surprise of him being a boy. Since the moment he was born, Joshua has been such a delight to me.  A little bundle of joy in my world of sorrow. I praise God everyday for giving me Joshua. He truly is a blessing sent from heaven. 

Thank-you everyone for all your prayers. Joshua is a living example of the power of prayer and the amazing hand of God. Thank-you. 

I put together some pictures of Joshua so you can see them. Go to this website and watch the video. I hope you all enjoy it. 

www.shwup.com/album/joshua_david_walton

He Gives and He Takes Away

The past few days have been long and tiring for me. I find myself fighting loss of hope and despair. At night when all is quiet and I sit alone in my room, I wonder, why God? Why did you take it all away from me? Tonight I sit here alone again and the Lord is opening my eyes to see that walking through the desert is and can be a blessing. I can either choose to see it as a time when God took everything away and cry because I have lost something so precious, or I can choose to look at the things God is giving to me even in the desert. Yes He does take away. He puts us through the fire, He prunes our branches, He allows trials of many kinds to come our way. But He gives so much to us too. Even in the midst of His taking away - He is giving. Everyday He gives me the tools I need to raise my kids, the patience to mother them in a godly way, the strength when I feel I can't go on. Everyday He fills my heart with His peace, and hope. He gives me grace to fight the battle and He is merciful to me in my time of need.

Yes you can say that the most precious thing has been taken from me and I have every right to feel crushed and disillusioned. But if I look for them, the most precious treasures are being given to me right now - even in the midst of the storm. Somedays they are harder to see than others. It seems like the storm clouds get heavier and heavier but the treasures are still there. God is giving me everything I need for right now, if I choose to receive them.