Worse Than Lonely

What could be worse than loneliness? A heart that has been left empty. Feeling lonely can be somewhat manageable, but emptiness strips your heart of everything you once found joy in. It makes your heart feel like it has been left in a barren waste land. One could describe the emotions of an empty heart by describing a metro station. During rush hours the tunnel like corridors are filled with the crush of humanity. Everything is alive with movement and activity, but think of that same corridor when it is completely empty. Void of sound and life the emptiness can almost feel eerie.

Although I have been alone for well over a year now, I feel like my heart is still so void of life. On the outside I am moving on - trying to piece back together the shattered pieces of life, but on the inside my heart is still very much like that empty metro, void of sound and life. I know that the feeling of emptiness is a result of deep emotional pain and also part of the grieving process. I only wish it didn't have to take so long for a heart to stop loving and move on.

God gives me the strength to wake up each day and tackle the obstacles before me, but so often I feel like I am a lifeless being just functioning in an unknown world. I have felt so often lately that I just can't make it through this. I have never felt so alone in all my life, and almost daily I feel like the burdens of life are crushing me. I know that without the Lord in my life I would never have made it this far but often I wonder, when will it all become easier? When will it all make sense? How long will my heart feel so incredibly empty?

Enough for every purpose

The Lord never ceases to meet me in my times of greatest need. Last night was one of these moments. For the third time in the past week I fell to my knees in a puddle of tears, after I put the kids to bed. I implored God, begging to Him earnestly, to remove this burden from me. The burden of raising these kids alone.

"God", I cried," I can't do this any longer. Please remove this cup from me."

Three times I have cried to God for this and last night he answered me. He led me to 2 Corinthians 12:8-9, which says...

"Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He said to me, 'My Grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

This was my answer. His Grace. It is all I need. It is enough and adequate for the purpose. To raise these kids on my own all I need is His grace and the understanding that it is Him working through me. I must allow myself to be weak, so that He can fill me and be all that I need for everything.

I CAN DO MOST GOOD WHEN I AM IN MY WEAKEST MOMENTS

Whatever You Are Doing Inside of Me

2010 is here and with it many emotions. The past year has been a year full of ups and downs, and although I feel like I am on the road to healing, I also feel like there is still so much for God to do inside of me. The words to this song express so much of where my heart is right now on my journey with God. I honestly don't know the title to the song but the words express it all....

"It's time for healing, time to move on, it's time to fix what's been broken too long

time to make right what's been made wrong, it's time to find my way to where I belong.

There's a wave that's crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like caos but somehow there's peace.

And it's time to surrender to what I can't see.

And I'm giving in to something happening.

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, reevaluate who I am really am. Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills.

So show me what it is you want from me. I give everything. I surrender.

Whatever your doing inside of me. It feels like caos but I believe...

Your up to something bigger than me.

Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like caos but now I can see....

This is something bigger than me. Larger than life. Something heavenly.

What a beautiful way to put what my heart is feeling now. I feel a peace that whatever He is doing inside of me is exactly what needs to be done. It is bigger than me. It is something heavenly. For a greater purpose than I may ever know.

Joshua David - My sweet little boy

Finally on the 17th of February, my baby was born. It was a moment I had been waiting for. A moment full of both sorrow and joy. The birth of Joshua was much harder than I had ever expected. The emotions of having him alone were overwhelming to me and there were moments that I didn't know if I had the physical or mental strength to make it to the end. But somehow God gave me what I needed. It still wasn't easy but seldom in this life is. However, even through our toughest moments - He gets us through. He gives us the strength and the grace we need to walk each and every road we come to. 

Joshua was a glorious surprise! I expected a bald little 5 pound girl. What God gave me was the most precious little boy with a head full of hair and an amazing 7 lbs. 14 oz. When God creates a surprise He holds nothing back! I feel that God wanted to bless me with the joy of this surprise so he kept Joshua hidden and let me have the surprise of him being a boy. Since the moment he was born, Joshua has been such a delight to me.  A little bundle of joy in my world of sorrow. I praise God everyday for giving me Joshua. He truly is a blessing sent from heaven. 

Thank-you everyone for all your prayers. Joshua is a living example of the power of prayer and the amazing hand of God. Thank-you. 

I put together some pictures of Joshua so you can see them. Go to this website and watch the video. I hope you all enjoy it. 

www.shwup.com/album/joshua_david_walton

He Gives and He Takes Away

The past few days have been long and tiring for me. I find myself fighting loss of hope and despair. At night when all is quiet and I sit alone in my room, I wonder, why God? Why did you take it all away from me? Tonight I sit here alone again and the Lord is opening my eyes to see that walking through the desert is and can be a blessing. I can either choose to see it as a time when God took everything away and cry because I have lost something so precious, or I can choose to look at the things God is giving to me even in the desert. Yes He does take away. He puts us through the fire, He prunes our branches, He allows trials of many kinds to come our way. But He gives so much to us too. Even in the midst of His taking away - He is giving. Everyday He gives me the tools I need to raise my kids, the patience to mother them in a godly way, the strength when I feel I can't go on. Everyday He fills my heart with His peace, and hope. He gives me grace to fight the battle and He is merciful to me in my time of need.

Yes you can say that the most precious thing has been taken from me and I have every right to feel crushed and disillusioned. But if I look for them, the most precious treasures are being given to me right now - even in the midst of the storm. Somedays they are harder to see than others. It seems like the storm clouds get heavier and heavier but the treasures are still there. God is giving me everything I need for right now, if I choose to receive them.

Praise You In The Storm

On one of my really hard days this past month my dear sister Hannah played this song for me. It was a day when I had completely given up and couldn't go another day. Listening to this song gave me a new strength in the Lord. He is there even in the storms.

I want to share the song with you. I hope the link works.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

There Is A Light In the Darkness

The Lord gave me another beautiful word and picture a few days ago. It seems like the more I lean into Him, the more He speaks to me. I have felt a tremendous peace wash over me the past several days. I was struck by the fact that God is sovereign. Nothing is hidden from Him, He is over all, in all and in control of all.

"And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare tot he eyes of Him with whom we have to do." Hebrews 4:13

"Can a man hide himself in hiding places so I do not see him? declares the Lord. 'Do I not fill the heavens and the earth?" Jeremiah 23:23-24

God was not surprised by the events that have unfolded to destroy my world. He knew everything that was going to happen and He knows everything that is going to happen. Although my future is uncertain and unknown to me it is not unknown to my God. He knows the end of the story, and the end of the story doesn't surprise Him either. He is in control of my life. He knows where I will be, who I will be married to, what I will be doing, how I will be serving Him. So because I have a God who is in all and who knows all I don't have to fear. My trust can be in the fact that He is in control and nothing surprises Him. By realizing this truth, I have been able to find a new peace. A peace I haven't had since the beginning of all of this mess. A peace that only comes in resting in the arms of my God.

Another truth that the Lord opened my eyes to see is that He is my light in the darkness. I have been looking for and longing for the light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I keep hoping that it will happen any day. I tell myself - maybe today - maybe in a few weeks - but the days go by and nothing changes. The darkness becomes to much to bear at times. I feel like it is crushing in on me and I long for the day when I can see the sun again. But God showed me that I don't have to wait for the darkness to go away to see the light. He is my light. As I center myself on Him, His light floods over me. I see myself as walking down this long narrow tunnel with no light of day. The darkness is so overwhelming and so oppressive - I can't see the hand in front of my face. Fear overtakes me as I imagine all the things that could happen to me and that are happening to me. I strain my eyes ahead to see even a glimpse of light but the darkness becomes heavier and heavier. I stop and begin to cry out to my God - "God I need you, God I need you, God I need you." Suddenly light from heaven pours down like a spotlight over me. I am surrounded on all sides by this intense and glorious light. I still must walk through the tunnel - the darkness is still there - but I no longer feel alone and afraid. I am surrounded by a light that gives me the strength to rise up and go another day.

"He knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with Him." Daniel 2:22

"Christ, be the center of my life, be the place I fix my eyes. Be the center of my life."